what is right?

I so badly want to be able to be a "stay at home mom" with Lucie, but I am so lonely and so lost that I'm hating most of it right now. Yes, i love the freedom of not having a schedule, but the loneliness is overwhelming. I feel like everyday is Groundhog Day. It's boring and much of the time mundane and I'm supposed to be loving this, right? Loving watching my daughter discover the world around her, being her first teacher, all of that. And I think that if I was working and she was in daycare, that I would feel terrible about that also (maybe not). Maybe a teaching job is too much work for right now, I understand that, but would it be so bad to find a part time job? So we'd have to pay for childcare....okay, so does everyone else! I feel like a bad person for wanting to get away from the house a little. I'm so sick of getting dressed up and ready...to go out to Walmart or Target. That's so pathetic, that I get excited on days I know I have errands to run! Especially with the weather not being as nice as it was so far this winter, it's been a hard week. I don't have my walks to get out of the house and out of my head. I did try calling a girl I met in the neighborhood, but she never called back, and I don't want anyone to know I am as desperate as I really am for some friends. I love Lucie so much, but she is not my friend! She is my responsibility and sometimes I just want a break. I want the old me back.

NOTE...ALMOST TWO YEARS LATER... Shortly after this post, I joined the YMCA and started a routine. It changed me so much, I met people this way (even though it was just to chat at the Y or meet at a playground) and it got me out of the boredom. Looking back, I can say that yes, it was VERY hard to stay at home that first winter. I managed to get through it and it's funny that I didn't consider Lucie my "friend" then...because I think she's become my best friend :-) she brings me so much happiness, I love being with her! (Don't think I don't need my Ellen time, though...I get it whenever I can!) She's hysterical, dramatic, kind, tender, fiesty...and hopefully through this blog I can document her two year old being enough so that I ahve something to look back on someday.